Humor

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

The New 'EuroEnglish' Standard

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as

'EuroEnglish.'

In the first year, 's' will replace soft 'c.' Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k.' This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one letter less.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f.' This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate-speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent letters in the language is dis-grasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yer, pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v.'

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaning 'ou,' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a rele sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evri-vun vil find tu undrstand ech ozer.